


Abner Van Slyk and Paradox Versus the Worst Vampire In the World and Assorted Other Creeps: A Play In Three Acts

by HarveyWallbanger



Series: Hanna Is Not Fan-Wanking Disguised As a Story [3]
Category: Hanna Is Not A Boy's Name
Genre: Gen, fan-wanking disguised as a story, mild violence, play format, what is this even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-18
Updated: 2012-03-18
Packaged: 2017-11-02 03:36:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/364539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarveyWallbanger/pseuds/HarveyWallbanger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Does what it says on the tin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Abner Van Slyk and Paradox Versus the Worst Vampire In the World and Assorted Other Creeps: A Play In Three Acts

**Author's Note:**

> I am not Tessa Stone, and this school is not Tessa Stone. I'm definitely not being paid to do this. For some reason, this installment came out in play form. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it works.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE  
{…}, a narrator and sidekick  
Abner, a vampire hunter  
Paradox, a ferret  
Conrad, the worst vampire in the world  
Worth, a disreputable doctor  
Lamont, a delivery man  
Adelaide, a much better vampire  
Hanna, a paranormal investigator  
Toni, a werewolf  
Ples, an accountant  
Veser, a teenager

ACT I.  
A deserted street, near WORTH's office.

{…} (As Narrator)  
Hanna Falk Cross, a paranormal investigator by trade, and his friends, have just avoided certain death at the hands of Ples Tibenoch, or possibly, an earlier version of his operating system- he's some kind of robot, or something- we're not too clear on that, yet- just go with it- thanks to Veser Hatch, and his eagerness to do violence to strangers. Meanwhile, not far away, certain death in another form, that of Abner Van Slyk, vampire hunter, is coming for Conrad, Adelaide, Worth, and Lamont. Certain death is certainly very busy tonight.

ABNER, with PARADOX on his shoulder, stalks toward WORTH, LAMONT, ADELAIDE, and CONRAD, who has just turned into a bat and fallen on his face.

ABNER  
How embarrassing.

ADELAIDE  
Can't say it hasn't been fun, Lamont, but, well, it hasn't. If you're alive later this week, give me a call. (To WORTH, CONRAD, ABNER, and PARADOX) Later, assholes.

ADELAIDE becomes a bat, and flies away. ABNER aims his shotgun at her, but doesn't take the shot; she's moving too fast, and already too far away.  
CONRAD manages to get to his feet.

CONRAD  
Skree!

CONRAD clumsily takes to the air, and begins to fly away.  
This time, ABNER takes a shot, but narrowly misses. CONRAD screeches again, and takes off.

ABNER  
That has to be the worst vampire in the world.

{…} (As Narrator)  
Give him some time; he's new at this.

ABNER  
As a rule, I don't kill humans, but as a rule, I don't find humans cozying up to vampires.

WORTH  
He's the cozy one. I hate that pretentious fuck, and I've never even met the girl before.

LAMONT  
(Sighs in irritation) That's really great.

ABNER  
Where is she going?

LAMONT  
You think she tells me anything? She just shows up when she wants some blood- I mean, when she wants some, er, sex.

WORTH snickers.

LAMONT  
It's purely physical. She doesn't respect me, at all.

ABNER  
What about the other one?

LAMONT  
(To Worth) He's your friend. Just fucking tell him.

WORTH  
He's not my fucking friend! If I had friends, and I fucking don't, they would not be him.

ABNER sighs, and hits WORTH, a sharp jab to the mouth. WORTH spits blood onto ABNER's jacket.

PARADOX  
Mreh.

ABNER  
Oh, for- Did you really have to do that?

ABNER hits WORTH again.

WORTH  
(Laughing) Come on- harder, ya lightweight! I could do this all night.

{…} (As Narrator)  
He probably could. But what's become of Conrad?

ACT II.  
The interior of a car.

HANNA is at the wheel, {…} in the passenger seat, next to him. VESER sits behind HANNA, sulking loudly. TONI sits next to him, quietly vigilant. Next to her, PLES holds an icepack to the back of his head.

HANNA  
I really want to thank you for letting us use your car.

PLES  
Think nothing of it. Just- Oh, watch out for that- er-

From outside of the car comes the sound of screeching tires, and vague swearing noises.

HANNA  
(Chuckling nervously) Sorry about that. (HANNA gasps, and turns the steering wheel sharply to the right.) And that.

VESER  
Why do I have to sit in the back with Clockwork Orange?

HANNA  
Because Heathcliff called 'shotgun'.

{…}  
(Shrugs) Called 'shotgun'.

TONI  
(Lurching forward and looking out the window on VESER's side) Wait, was that-

From outside of the car comes a faint 'Skree!' A few seconds later, CONRAD, still a bat, flings himself into the car.

TONI  
Put up the windows! Put up the windows!

VESER and HANNA roll up the windows. Now, Conrad is frantically flying around the car.

HANNA  
(Flailing) Backseat! Backseat!

{...} grabs the steering wheel, and holds it steady as HANNA flails. Finally, CONRAD manages to get to the rear of the car. It's at that point that he again becomes human, falling on top of VESER, TONI, and PLES.

VESER  
The fuck!

TONI  
Shit!

PLES  
Oh, my.

CONRAD  
(Half sobbing) I thought I was going to be a fucking bat forever!

HANNA  
(Taking the wheel again) What the hell just happened?

CONRAD  
When all of that weird stuff started going on at that man's house, and I couldn't get in, because of that stupid vampire rule, I went to Worth's. He, Lamont, and I were on our way to help you when, first, the vampire that bit me pops out of the backseat, like she was just sleeping there, or something, and then, this lunatic in a gas mask, with a goddamn ferret, rear-ends us, and then tries to properly kill us. I don't know how I got out of there without getting shot, but I did, and I flew back the way I'd come.

HANNA  
Where did this happen?

CONRAD  
On the main cross street before you get to Worth's.

HANNA  
Everyone, hold onto something…

HANNA does a no-doubt highly illegal maneuver. From the backseat comes a collection of assorted swearwords, and a Dear me, from PLES.

ACT III.  
The street near WORTH's office.

Silhouetted by a streetlight, ABNER is still beating the crap out of WORTH. At some point, he also did some damage to LAMONT, who is restrained and semi-conscious.

WORTH  
(Whining) You've barely broken the skin.

ABNER  
You know more than you're telling me.

WORTH  
I know you're an asshole. And I know that I don't wash my hands after using the bathroom.

ABNER hesitates before hitting WORTH again.

WORTH  
(Laughing) And I've been coughing up brown stuff all fucking week.

WORTH coughs up something, then, and spits it in ABNER's general direction. ABNER kicks him in the ribs.

WORTH  
(Slurring) And I've got cooties. All kinds of fucking cooties…

The screech of tires as a car pulls onto the street. Before the car has fully come to a stop, HANNA is out, and running toward ABNER, WORTH, and LAMONT. {…} is right behind him. The others have a harder time getting out.

CONRAD  
Fucking hell!

VESER  
Get off of me, you douche bag.

PLES  
My head…

VESER  
Jeez. Just stay in the car…

TONI, in the form of a small blue dog jumps out, and runs up to the scene. PARADOX sees her, and immediately gives chase.

ABNER  
Paradox!

HANNA  
(To ABNER) Get the hell away from him!

WORTH  
Hnnnn…

ABNER moves away from WORTH, and toward HANNA, reloading his shotgun.

HANNA  
I probably should have thought that through better.

TONI, now in full werewolf form, tackles ABNER. He gets off a shot, but it goes afoul. {…} steps on ABNER's right hand, forcing his to release the gun. {…} kicks it away, and then goes to retrieve it.

HANNA  
Who the hell are you?

ABNER  
Someone who you should be working with, not against.

HANNA  
I don't work with people who try to kill my friends.

ABNER  
Your friends brutalize innocent people.

CONRAD  
I do not!

ABNER  
Maybe you don't, now, but you will. You can't cheat your basic nature.

CONRAD  
But it isn't- This is fucking stupid. I am not going to have a nature versus nurture argument in the middle of the street with someone who shoots people for fun.

ABNER  
Not 'people', vampires. (To TONI, who is now in human form, and sitting on ABNER) Would you mind getting off of me?

TONI  
Um, yes.

HANNA  
You beat up Lamont- and Worth. He's human. I'm pretty sure.

ABNER  
He had information.

HANNA  
That's not-

CONRAD  
Look, we can't stay here all night, arguing with this madman. As much as he's probably enjoying it, Worth is losing blood, Lamont is also in a bad way, and something is seriously wrong with that old guy.

HANNA  
Well, what do we do about, er, him?

CONRAD  
Kill him?

ABNER  
(Snorts) Of course you'd say that.

HANNA  
No one is getting killed. We'll just tie him up, and drop him off somewhere.

CONRAD  
I'm not getting into a car with him!

HANNA  
Terrence, Toni, and I will drop him in his car. You can drive, right?

CONRAD  
Yeah…

HANNA  
So, you and Veser can use Ples' car to take Worth and Lamont to Worth's place, and Ples home.

CONRAD  
Wait- isn't he the guy who tried to kill you, about an hour ago?

HANNA  
He's okay, now.

CONRAD  
'He's okay, now'? Like, he just got over his homicidal rage?

HANNA  
Pretty much?

CONRAD  
This is a stupid night.

HANNA  
(Sheepishly) I kind of had a good time.

Exeunt omnes.


End file.
